Otherwise known as the Camp Creationist

First, the Intelligent Interior designer made heaven and earth, and separated the light from the dark because he’s not a big fan of open plan.

Then he made the firmament and separated the waters because you should never mix your waters.

Rule number one, write it down.

Then the Intelligent Interior designer gathered the waters together to make a nice little sea and dry land appeared, and he saw that things were pretty a-okay up to this point. And then the Intelligent Interior designer said, ‘I want some greenery, it needs some air, some vibrancy, darling.

Flowers everywhere, I want flowers, flowers everywhere. Come on, don’t mess me around, darlings. Evolution can take care of grasses, but orchids.

You really think Mother Nature is capable of that by herself?

Sweetie, don’t make me laugh, she’s just got no taste, so dowdy, we’d all be wearing Laura Ashley if it was up to her.

Now some light. I want a big light for daytime, a little one for night, get the contrast right, oh you’re such a bunch of amateurs, here, let me, there’ll never be an eclipse if you don’t get the proportions just right. Out of my waaay.

That’s good. Good, who are we kidding? That’s absolutely fan-fucking-tastic.

Hmm, now creatures of the sea, creatures of the air, peacocks I want peacocks, look at those plumes, you just can’t evolve quality like that.

The way it’s iridescent, oh my gawd. I’ve just taken my name in vain. Oh you are naughty, but kind of sexy at the same time.

Swarms, come on now, get swarming, all of you at once, swarm, swarm, chop, chop, we’ve only got one day to get this gig right you know and I don’t want to be up all night getting everything ready for the show like last time.

Animals, animals, line up, you’re on next, darlings, come on, leopards, loving what I’ve done, you are so hot, so hot right now. That look will just go on winning it for millennia, millennia, darlings.

Lemurs, lemurs, the cuteness, I just want to cuddle you and hug you. Dinosaurs? Dinosaurs! Who the fuck put dinosaurs in there. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Big reptiles, big no. I am not impressed and I am so in charge. That’s just so not how I see this world.

Call me a stubborn bitch, but no-one likes a T-rex, just no-one, ok, no-one. And yet again I’ve excelled myself. Day 6 in the new world, come on, sweetie, keep it going, you’re up to this.

Man, and woman, in my image. Me, little me, oh you shouldn’t have. Really? Moi? But is there anything prettier?

Could you make them any more delightful? Though, just make the woman out of a rib will you, no-one really cares about what she looks like. I’ll put the real version in later. Now will you just look at everything I’ve done for you, man and woman. Tell me I’m not the most brilliant deity you’ve ever seen. It’s all yours, now be grateful.

Make good use of the leopard skin. Tell me those lemurs aren’t the cutest thing. They are, aren’t they.

And the dinosaurs, I know. Some people have no sense of the aesthetic.

And all this, it’s not just good, it’s not just very good, pinch me, pinch me, tell me I’m not dreaming, I’m not, it’s fabulous, it’s epic, it’s breathtakingly stupendous, darlings. These flowers, for me, so kind, so unexpected.

No, no, no more applause, I just can’t. But then, there are so just no other people I need to thank. It was all me.’ And on the seventh day, the Intelligent Interior designer rested because he was pooped. ‘I may be a genius, but even genius needs a break, honey.